Great wedding coordinators care about the smallest details, and they want you to be happy. They’ll go the extra mile, making your wedding look like you spent triple the money, and they’ll handle anything that comes along. And what comes along might be a very unpleasant People Problem. We’re talking the future mother-in-law who is beyond angry that, say, you’re not marrying in a church. Full-on angry or passive-aggressive, this woman is wrecking everything. Same with the jealous bridesmaid who just got dumped by the guy who was supposed to propose to her before you got engaged. She’s angry, too. And she’s riling up the other bridesmaids who are also years away from getting their own diamond rings.

In walks the wedding coordinator, who has handled these situations so often there should be a PhD for planners who have better psychology skills than many doctors. Or maybe it’s a Sun Tzu Art of War thing, a discipline in disarming aggressors. She knows how to smile at that sour mother-in-law and speak to her with respect, yet get her to do a complete 180, drop the misery, stop hurting her son, and step into the showers of happiness everyone else is enjoying. Your planner’s a Zen master of peace. A great coordinator delivers harmony, happy to step in to act on your behalf, saving you from awkward conversations or screaming matches. She’s saving your groom, too, since he hates it that you and his mom aren’t getting along. Part of what makes it work is that the bitter bridesmaid and her clique, or that sour mother-in-law (or maybe it’s your mother, father, or grandmother,) doesn’t know how to play your wedding coordinator. These drama queens and kings know just what buttons to push on you, since they’ve set you off before. But your coordinator is an untested Authority Figure. They’re not likely to mess with her, since they don’t know how to. And they rarely expect to get a speaking-to by the coordinator, which can actually make the message sink in, at least partly.

Your coordinator is also going to help you with a fabulous tool for your future: you can’t fix these other people who act differently than you want them to. Sometimes miserable people just want to be miserable, and it’s unwise of you to keep jumping on them, begging them to be happy and nice and sweet. Your coordinator’s advice – because she’s seen this so many times – will likely sink in for you, as well. Zen master of peace. She might just help you to be one, too. For a list of NJ wedding planners, click here.